Façade and Substance: June 2002

Sound Bite o' the Week

"What I lack in proximity...
... I gain in perspective."

La Guerra de la Galaxias ...

EL ATAQUE DE LOS CLONES: Diez años después del ataque al planeta Naboo, Padmé Amidala es la senadora de su planeta natal ante el senado galáctico. A la vez un grupo de separatistas políticos encabezados por el conde Dooku trata de asesinarla para lograr sus propósitos. La situación es tensa en el senado y no hay suficientes Jedis para proteger a la república. Es entonces que el Canciller Palpatine enlista la ayuda de Jango Fett, el cual promete que su ejército de clones podrá mantener la paz. Mientras tanto Obi-Wan Kenobi continua el entrenamiento del joven Anakin Skywalker, el cual teme que el estricto codigo de los Jedi le prohibirá su romance con Amidala.

... And Back to English

THE WAR OF THE GALAXIES: Ten years after the attack to the Naboo planet, Padmé Amidala is the senator of its native planet before the galactic Senate. Simultaneously a group of political separatists headed by count Dooku tries to assassinate it to obtain his intentions. The situation is tense in the Senate and there is sufficient Jedis no to protect to the republic. He is then which the Palpatine Chancellor enlists the aid of Jango Fett, which promises that its army of clones will be able to maintain La Paz. Meanwhile Obi-Wan continuous Kenobi the training of the young person Anakin Skywalker, who fears that the strict one I cosay of the Jedi will prohibit its romance him with Amidala.

Fictional Movie Titles from Seinfeld Episodes

Agent Zero
Barcelona
Blame it on the Rain
Brown-Eyed Girl
Blimp - The Hindenburg Story
Checkmate
Chunnel
Chow Fun
Cry Cry Again
Cupid's Rifle
Death Blow
Firestorm
Means to an End
Mountain High
The Muted Heart
The Pain and the Yearning
Ponce De Leon
Prognosis Negative – Also the name of an unproduced screenplay by executive producer Larry David
The Other Side of Darkness
Rochelle, Rochelle (and Rochelle Rochelle The Musical) – A young girl's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk
Sack Lunch

Don't Bother - Here's Your Winner

HELP JOHN ELWAY name his new arena football team! Register here by July 1 - winners announced a week later - or just give up. I already sent this one in: Colorado Ruff Riders. Sure, it's stolen from my junior high school in Colorado Springs, but see how perfect it is for an arena football team? It sounds slightly cheesy, slightly second-class, slightly edgy (note the clever misspelling) and offers a slight reminder of that other football team Elway once had something to do with.

UPDATE: Colorado's Arena Football League franchise has been named the Colorado Crush. "I think 'Crush' is a great name," Elway said. "It has a special meaning because it has obvious ties to the awesome tradition of football here in Denver and the entire state of Colorado."

WORSE UPDATE: Elway faked it! "Crush" was registered months before the contest. Elway's contest attracted 9,000+ in two weeks ending in July, but the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office was processing a lone application from the Arena Football League - for "Crush," the eventual "winner" - dated May 8.

Deep Naked Ladies

ALAS THE COSMIC CONNECTION between Deep Purple and Barenaked Ladies - and a few other things.

From a commonly misheard lyric to Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" - "Slow Motion Walter, fire-engine guy" instead of "Smoke on the water, fire in the sky."
From the actual lyrics to Bare Nakedladies' "Tonight is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel" - "Rubberneck traffic and passersby, and Slow Motion Walter the fire engine guy."
From a list of made-up potential cool band names - Slow Motion Walter, cited as "a lyric in the Barenaked Ladies" song.
From an actual band name - Slow Motion Walter plays a battle of the bands, sponsored by the Catholic Student Center, February 2000.
From a Professor Trelawney horoscope - A R I E S - "Tonight is the night you will fall asleep at the wheel. On a more positive note, you will fulfill your life's ambition of finding out what exactly a Slow Motion Walter is, just seconds before your imminent demise."

Feedback! For! Yahoo! Mail! Beta! Version!

(+) All my folders always visible down left side!
(-) Folders missing in “Compose” and “Reply” screens
(+) Mail, Addresses, Calendar, Notepad buttons across the top with pull-down menus!
(-) No Briefcase button
(-) “Send” doesn’t work – or works too many times – when a composed email takes over a certain amount of time (five minutes? ten?)
(+) The “View All | Unread | Flagged” feature!
(+) The already-replied arrow next to an email I’ve already replied to!
(-) The “Add to address book” option appears when reading an email from someone who’s already in my address book
(-) No way to attach/add files from my Yahoo Briefcase
(+) Color scheme!
(+) Little yellow icons!
(-) Email arrival time unreadable – why can’t it reflect my local time instead of this “13:12:03 –0400” business?

Mr. Brown Goes to School

MARK BROWN WRITES: "Can someone explain John Mayer to me? He has sold out one night at CityLights Pavilion and has added a second on Aug. 5, with tickets on sale at 10 a.m. Saturday, $30. Opening the show is Guster and the John Butler Trio (Ticketmaster)."

AND I OBLIGE: Sure, I can explain John Mayer to you. He’s smart, witty, young and takes no crap – all with a smile on his face. His album has nary a bad track, full of pop optimism and nostalgia, straight from the kid you wish you kept in touch with after school. His lyrics ("She keeps a toothbrush at my place / As if I had the extra space") remind you of how you used to – and still could – look at the world. Plus, he’s touring with one of the greatest live bands out there – Guster – a stripped-down, earnest version of Barenaked Ladies with the most bad-ass congo player alive today.

Short Sudden Realization

NO MATTER HOW MUCH you exercise, no matter how much you diet - it won't change how lazy you really are.

My Very Own Nigerian Scam Email

GOTTA LOVE THE punctuation spacing issues, the crunching of quite a few English words and the unitentionally bossy tone. Almost lends it an air of authenticity! Bravo ...

=====

From: "SANDRA SAVIMBI" <jos_edw04@mail.com>
To: beteille@yahoo.com
Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 16:28:48 -0700

Dear Friend,

This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. The message could be strange but reel if you pay some attention to it. I could have notified you about it at least for the sake of your integrity. Please accept my sincere apologies. In bringing this message of goodwill to you, I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pains.

I am Ms. Sandra savimbi, daughter of the late rebel leader Jonas savimbi of Angola who was killed on the 22nd of febuary 2002 . I managed to get your contact details through "The World Business Journal", a journal of the Johannesburg Chamber of Commerce in South Africa in the time I was desperately looking for a trustworthy person to assist me in this confidential business.

my late father, Jonas savimbi was able to deposit a large sum of money in differnt banks in europe My father is presently death and the movement of his family members (including me) is restricted. We are forbidden to either travel abroad or out of our localities. Presently, the US$25,600,000.00 twentyfive, MILLION, six HUNDRED DOLLARS my father transfered to Netherlands is safe and is in a security firm. I am therefore soliciting your help tohave this money transfered into your account. before my government get
wind of this fund .

You know my father was a rebel leader in Angola before his death My reason for doing this is because it will be difficult for the Angolan government to trace my father's money to an individual's account, especially when such an individual has no relationship ,I
decided to keep that money for my family use. At present the money is kept in a Security Company in nertherland.

I am currently and temporarily living in Angola with my husband. Moreover the political climatein Angola at the moment being so sensitive and unstable. When you are ready i will give you the information needed before you can get access to the fund you will then proceed to Netherlands where the US$25,600,000.00 twentyfive, MILLION, six HUNDRED DOLLARS will be given to you as payment.

Alternatively, you can have the fund transferred into any account that suits you. and for your co-operation and partnership, we have unanimously agreed that you will be entitled to 5.5% of the money when successfully receive it in your account.

The nature of your business is not relevant to the successful execution of this transaction. kindly provide me with all your contacts addresses including your personal telephone and fax number. All correspondence is for the attention of my counsel:joseph edward. Kindly get back to us.

Sandra Savimbi.

=====

Wildfire Prevention Campaign Contest

If You
Hate The
Mountain Scar
Keep Your Butts
In The Car
JeffCo FireMinder

Want a Campfire?
What’s the Rush?
First
Get Rid Of
All The Brush
JeffCo FireMinder

Good McSpin

LIST THOSE WHINY vegetarians after those respected Hindus: "We regret we did not provide these customers with complete information, and we sincerely apologize for any hardship that these miscommunications have caused among Hindus, vegetarians and others," McDonalds said in an apology June 1. "We should have done a better job in these areas, and we're committed to doing a better job in the future."

The vegetable oil used to prepare McDonalds fries and hash browns contained essence of beef for flavoring purposes.

Nice Try, Yahoo!

ANOTHER BAIT!-N!-SWITCH!: For ages, Yahoo! allowed users to share photographs - in thumbnail, medium, and full sizes - via groups and briefcases. Recently Yahoo! removed the full-size option and now allows free sharing of thumbnail and medium photographs only. To share a full-size photograph, you have to pay for premium storage, $24.95 to $34.95, or people have to order full-size prints from Yahoo! - or you just use the following URL trick, courtesy drjones2000:

Click on the thumbnail of the pic you want to view
When the pic loads add the following to the end of the URL: t&.hires
Normally this changes the URL ending from view=t to view=tt&.hires and voila - a free full-size photo

This worked for me sporadically, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before Yahoo catches on.

Get Dressed

A Cleverer 'Blog

LOT VOGUE - FREE SAMPLE: "All I Need To Know In Life I Learned From The July 2002 Issue of Vanity Fair"

"According to Variety's Peter Bart, Vanity Fair's Hollywood 'Definitely qualifies for Variety's "Beyond Boffo" category.' Regis Philbin also assures readers that 'You're gonna love this book!'"
"I will apparently surrender to Dulce de Leche Caramel Haagen-Dazs."
"I should go see Zhang Yimou's 'bittersweet' Happy Times."
"Grey Goose makes the world's best tasting lemon vodka. "
"Evelyn Y. Davis is a biiiiotch."
"'unctuous bonhomie' = Worst. Phrase. Ever."
"A single kiss can cause a million consequences."
"Colin Farrell is so on the team."
"Ted Turner said that Gerald Levin destroyed the company (AOL Time Warner) personally by demoralizing employees. And Levin was all: 'Wha? Wha?' And Turner was all: 'You heard me.' And Levin was all: 'Whatever.'"
"John McEnroe's motto: 'It doesn't matter whether you win or lose until you lose.'"

Shameless Celebrity Confession

I CAN BARELY TELL the difference
between Kirsten Dunst and Julia Stiles.

Burn Baby Burn

WILL YOUR HOUSE BE NEXT? This is more for my Colorado Springs friends and loved ones - the first interactive wildland fires map. Click on your parcel to find out how much danger you're in - from "lower risk" (green) to "extreme risk" (red). And then here's what you can do to fix it, according to the Colorado Springs Fire Department. My favorite? Creating "defensible space." Help prevent terrorism too? Hoo-wah!

Re-roof to Class C or higher
Create defensible space 30' feet around your home:
- Trim large trees so tops aren't touching
- Don't let tree branches extend over or under roof eaves
- Keep tree branches more than 15 feet away from chimney
- Remove dead, diseased and weakened trees
- Prune lower branches to 3X height of underlying shrubs or grass
- Remove pine needles, leaves, debris from ground
- Clean roofs and gutters
- Keep grass and weeds to 4"
Do not use the area under decks for storage
Store firewood at least 15' away from house and decks
Ensure your address is clearly marked and visible from the street
Install spark arresters over chimneys
Incorporate fire/fuel breaks in your landscaping - stone or concrete patios, ponds, rock paths and sidewalks
Plan and rehearse an escape plan - be prepared to evacuate your home when directed by fire or police officials

Dead-pan Humor? MTV Sued...

FROM E! ONLINE: "James and Laurie Ryan are seeking $10 million in damages, claiming they were the unwitting victims of a new MTV show titled Harassment, coproduced and hosted by That '70s Show's Ashton Kutcher. According to the lawsuit ... the pair thought they were going to be spending a vacation at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas in January. But instead, they arrived at a hotel room equipped with hidden cameras and were horrified to discover what appeared to be a bloody, mutilated corpse in the bathroom."

Review: White Stripes in Denver

HE PLAYS GUITAR. She plays drums. He sings. She plays drums. He plays keyboard. She plays drums. That pretty much covers the White Stripes story ... more here.

Five for Searching

THERE WERE 5 searches for the week ending 06/08/2002 for Facade & Substance. Here are the top phrases searched:

- 2 for "rainbow"
- 1 for "mod livin"
- 1 for "sydney bristo"
- 1 for "sydney bristow"

New 'Blog

"DON'T FEED THE MONKEYS" - Dedicated to the proposition that the monkeys in human resources (HR) ought not communicate with the outside world - lest an organization desire irreparable damage to its reputation. Remember - the only thing between you and your next job ... is human resources.

And Now, 'Homeland Security' ...

Education Department - $550 billion since 1980; ACT/SAT scores are lower than in 1970
Agriculture Department - Billions of dollars to corporate farms; pays farmers not to grow crops
Veterans Department - 90 percent of eligible veterans choose private health care instead
Department of Energy - Initiated in 1977 to stabilize energy prices and to promote America's energy independence from foreign suppliers

Talking Loudly at the Movies

HERE’S A USEFUL LIST FOR PEOPLE who get tired of using their “theater” voices. Thanks to young and old, of all races, ages and socioeconomic backgrounds at AMC and United Artists locations in and around Denver for helping put this list together. Oh, and thanks to the home video revolution, which has left generations of moviegoers confused about the subtle differences between a living room at home and a large auditorium with hundreds of seats and 40’ screens where other people have paid to get in.

During previews of coming attractions
During opening credits
During musical sequences or montages
When you recognize – or think you might recognize – an actor
To offer what you can remember of the actor’s filmography
When you can read a word from a subtitle, t-shirt, sign, product or poster
When you can’t read a word from a subtitle, t-shirt, sign, product or poster
When you recognize a location or building
To warn a character of impending doom
To appreciate the set-up of an impending comedic event
To share excitement over the mention of your city or state
To obtain a recap of events during a restroom/concession run
To repeat something you found clever or amusing
To get someone else to repeat something you didn’t hear
To guess the next line during a dramatic/comedic pause
To rewrite the script more to your liking
To transition from laughing loudly to sitting silently again
When you’re startled - or just tricked into being startled
When taking a call
When trying to quiet a baby/child
When trying to make a baby/child
When you actually are a baby/child
On a first date
On any subsequent date
When kissing/lovemaking scenes make you uncomfortable
To wonder about a plot point that is only partially revealed
To offer a review of the film
To guess the ending before – or as – it happens
To prove you knew how it would end
To share adulation with a director or star who is not present

'The View' of Je**s

A May 28 transcript from ABC's 'The View' ...

JOY BEHAR: "The other day ... I used the phrase 'thank you Jesus' because my diet was over and we got, I was, it was bumped out of the, what do you call it?"

STAR JONES: "They beeped it."

BEHAR: "For the West coast, they took it out. They would not allow me to say 'thank you Jesus.' I think that's wrong. I mean, and [The View Executive Producer] Bill Geddie got about, you know, hundreds of letters saying -- about a hundred actually, right?"

GEDDIE: "About a hundred.”

BEHAR: "A hundred, which represents thousands of people."

GEDDIE: "Well, they bleeped the word 'Jesus.'"

BEHAR: "Because they bleeped the word 'Jesus.'"

GEDDIE: "So it's 'thank you bleep.'"

LISA LING: "Well, is that using the name of–"

JONES: "I've said 'Jesus' so many times."

BEHAR: "Yeah, that's right. How come the black girl can say it and the white girl can't? I protest!"

JONES: "Actually, I think it actually has more to do with the fact that I've expressed my faith on television."

BEHAR: "Well, geez, so what? I'm a Catholic!"

JONES: "Not to suggest that you are not Christian, but I think it was to suggest that since I have professed my faith on television–"

BEHAR: "No, no, no, no."

MEREDITH VIEIRA: "But you don't have to profess your faith!"

JONES: "In theory, I don't know. I think it was stupid to beep that. They let us say all kinds of things on TV, but they beep Jesus? That makes no sense!"

BEHAR: "I don't understand that, and just for the record I was baptized, I had holy communion and I've been confirmed, I got married in the Catholic church."

VIEIRA: "If anybody can say 'Jesus,' you can."

BEHAR: "Jesus and I are pals, okay? Get with the program!"

Free Tip

TO THE HR DWEEBS who get together with the IT geeks to build online fill-in-the-blank applications for jobseekers: Stop trying to parse my resume! When I paste my resume into your text box, don't have some computer try to read it and separate it into the little pigeon holes you have for everyone - "latest employer," "special skills," etc. You get it wrong 90% of the time, putting my job summary as my address and my latest degree as "Colorado." Don't your monkeys read?

Top Creative Cities

FROM SALON.COM: The three T's: technology, talent and tolerance. "You need to have a strong technology base, such as a research university and investment in technology. Second, you need to be a place that attracts and retains talent, that has the lifestyle options, the excitement, the energy, the stimulation, that talented, creative people need. And thirdly, you need to be tolerant of diversity so you can attract all sorts of people -- foreign-born people, immigrants, woman as well as men, gays as well as straights, people who look different and have different appearances."

Top 10 (+1)

1. San Francisco, Calif.
2. Austin, Texas
3. Boston, Mass.
4. San Diego, Calif.
5. Seattle, Wash.
6. Raleigh-Durham, N.C.
7. Houston, Texas
8. Washington, D.C.
9. New York, N.Y.
10. Minneapolis, Minn.
14. Denver

Bottom 10

39. Detroit, Mich.
40. Providence, R.I.
41. Greensboro, N.C.
42. Oklahoma City, Okla.
43. New Orleans, La.
44. Grand Rapids, Mich.
45. Louisville, Ky.
46. Buffalo, N.Y.
47. Las Vegas, Nev.
48. Norfolk-Virginia Beach, Va.
49. Memphis, Tenn.

eTernal Flame

They allow 80 characters in a 'negative' comment on eBay: here's one on a knock-off wedding gown vendor that fits the bill perfectly:

Knockoff? Ripoff! Slow, damaged,
unlike described/pictured;
asking vendor to fix

Creative? Or Mentally Ill?

FROM REUTERS: "... CREATIVE STUDENTS and those with bipolar disorders shared several personality traits. Such individuals were more open, and more neurotic and moody than the other study participants ... Openness is a trait associated with a willingness to embrace new experiences, as well as being imaginative, curious and unconventional. These traits are often found in creative people ..."

Love Letters From a Fan

Note the subtle twist in intent about halfway through the first note...

FROM 'FRANK YUKILI': "Hi there Eric. I just stumbled upon your website, and just had to write you. I could not pull myself away. I read and read, almost every link infact. I was enthralled, and I'm assuming you've been out of a job since September? That is very unfortunte, but luckily you weren't in the trade center - ha ha. I read every link, and laughed as I enjoyed your comments. Every page became more clear - you're fucking asshole. Too bad the internet gave the voice to every maggot like you, you bottom sucking swine. Fuck off and die. Your friend, Stinky maggot"

MY REPLY: Clever! Have you thought about starting your own 'blog?

FRANK'S NEXT MISFIRE: "Clever indeed! Oddly enough, I did my stumbling to your website during an out of character moment of self deprevation - I was considering making a 'blog for myself. Looked I did, amongst the internet rubble which had accumulated in that pit of self loathing. Your site quickly cleansed my mental palette from this obviously horrible mistake, bringing me again to my senses. I guess I owe you a favor. Being that you maintain a 'blog, perhaps you can answer a question for me: What makes people such as yourself so self righteous that you justify the exsistence of such a waste of time and bandwidth?"

MY REPLY: What makes me think I can write a 'blog? The same thing that makes you think you can write flame emails. (Only I go for an audience of more than one.)

FRANK FINALLY LOSES IT: "And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, whosoever loveth and maketh a lie, and Eric Beteille."

Oh Cum On

THE MENTAL GIANTS AT Rainbow Technologies (RNBO) rejected my emailed resume because it contained "inappropriate language" and couldn't get through the company's Pornography Spam email filter. Pornography? In my resume? I use the word cum - as in cum laude - but don't expect anyone in HR to recognize latin academic designations as legitimate words. I've been asked to "remove any inappopriate language and send it again." I wonder how many people have been rejected based on this flimsy, moronic, sub-human filter. (Even more perplexing is how research might have triggered the rejection.) Here's the entire note from Rainbow's HR 'bot:

> --------------------------------
>
> From: abuse@rainbow.com
> Date: Mon, 03 Jun 2002 11:39:01 -0700
> Subject: Your e-mail message was blocked
>
> Delivery of the following email has been prevented for the
> following reason:
>
> It believes it may contain unacceptable language, or
> inappropriate material.
>
> Message: B000062105.00000001.mml
> From: beteille@yahoo.com
> To: hr@rainbow.com
> Subject: HotJobs.com job submission
>
> Please remove any inappropriate language and send it again.
>
> The blocked email will be automatically deleted after 5 days.
>
> Rule: Inbound Messages : Ponography Spam
> Script Pornography Full Version Triggered
> Expression: research Triggered 1 times weighting -22
> Expression: cum OR cumming OR cums Triggered 1 times weighting 3
> Expression: cum Triggered 1 times weighting 60
> Expression: cum Triggered 1 times weighting 60
>
> --------------------------------

SINCE I BELIEVE THE PEOPLE responsible for a company's reputation should be aware of how external communication is affecting market perceptions, I posted this report to the Yahoo Message Board for RNBO. I also attempted to send it to Rainbow's investor relations contact Donna Smith and public relations contact Dan Chmielewski but - surprise! - it was rejected by the same email filter. So I carefully re-edited the report - replacing cum with c** and research with r***arch - and sent it again.

Story developing... Oh, and I don't really expect to get a job there now ...

Funniest Movie Titles of All Time

Thanks, Rog ...

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
Dracula: Dead and Loving It
Ski Lift to Death
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
God Is My Co-Pilot
I Was a Teenage Zabbadoing and the Incredible Lusty Dust-Whip from Outer Space Conquers the Earth versus the Three Psychodelic Stooges of Dr. Fun Helsing and Fighting Against Surf-Vampires and Sex-Nazis and Have Trouble with This Endless Titillation Title
In the Land of the Owl Turds
The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini
Vampires on Bikini Beach
Dr. Goldfarb and the Bikini Machine
Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feeling So Sad
Mexican Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
Dude, Where's my Car?
I Dismember Mama
Rat Pfink a Boo Boo
976-EVIL
Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death
Pepper and his Wacky Taxi
Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator
The Neverending Story II
The Other Side of the Mountain, Part 2
Can Hieronymous Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness
House 2: The Second Story
Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid
A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell
Mars Needs Women
Surf Nazis Must Die
Attack of the 100-foot Centerfold
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Façade and Substance

30 June 2002

24 June 2002

22 June 2002

19 June 2002

17 June 2002

16 June 2002

13 June 2002

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07 June 2002

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03 June 2002

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