Façade and Substance

ID or Not ID

2006-06-09T09:40:00.000-06:00

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN if you refused to show ID at the airport? Like author Jim Harper, you might get through security a little faster.

Odd Press Release

2006-06-06T10:54:00.000-06:00

THIS CAME VIA email yesterday. I haven't seen anything else about it, but it seems significant if this organization is defecting from this fast-food giant. As soon as Blogger's image posting is working again I'll add an image from this related PowerPoint presentation. For your perusal:

June 5, 2006
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: mailto:info@mcdonaldsinteractive.com
Photos and downloads: http://www.mcdonaldsinteractive.com/
International Serious Games Event: http://www.seriousgames.org.uk/

MCDONALD'S GAMES DIVISION
TO LEAVE PARENT COMPANY
Company policies "lead planet to ruin";
division seeks mass mobilization

McDonald's Interactive announced today that it is striking out on its own from parent company McDonald's. The announcement was made at the International Serious Games Event in Birmingham, England. "We can no longer stand by while McDonald's corporate policies help lead the planet to ruin," said Andrew Shimery-Wolf, co-director of the former Interactive Division. McDonald's Interactive was formed four years ago to help the company adapt to new market conditions.

"We began developing a simulation of the fast-food industry, for use by managers in developing market strategies." said Division CTO Sam Grossman. "When we added a climate simulation module, it showed those strategies helping lead to global calamity."

"Management doesn't seem to care, and we can't sit back and fiddle while Rome burns, so our team has decided to break away from McDonald's and do something about it," said Grossman.

The new organization's charter will be to help stimulate mass mobilization for policy change. "Mass mobilization has had some huge effects," said Dan Licari, the organizer of the International Serious Games Event. "No matter what the government thinks they want to do, they have to act, they're pressed into action."

"Scientists believe that to avoid ever-more-likely calamity, we must reduce our emissions by 70% very quickly," said Shimery-Wolf. "Since governments won't do that without popular pressure, helping to generate revolt is the only responsible choice, the only true CSR."

He characterized ordinary CSR efforts as "trivial improvements to a sinking ship, serving only to reassure passengers" and singled out British Petroleum's CSR campaign in particular as just a "slightly more polite form of world annihilation."

Please visit http://www.mcdonaldsinteractive.com/ for the full text of today's announcement, as well as photographs and downloads.

# 30 #

So many questions: How long have they been working on this? How would they get away with it? Would McDonald's let them keep the name? How much do they pay their lawyers?

Lawyers In Your PR Department

2006-05-16T12:40:00.000-06:00

Fling lawsuits over a consumer fave is one certain way to build a clip book:

Creative sues over iPod interface - Claims that Apple infringes; demands halt to iPod sales
Firm sues dismissed worker - Allegations he spent his time at work listening to his iPod
Burst.com sues Apple - Lawsuit over technology within iPod
Beatles lose lawsuit - Claims iPod broke 1991 agreement

Film Imitates TV

2006-05-10T11:06:00.000-06:00

From Gabe's Declaration of Principles:

"If one of the most anticipated tent pole action pictures of the summer pales next to the rich escapist complexity of a program like Alias, how do the studios expect to rebound?"

Key-scene-by-scene comparison here.

And Some of Them Should Be Fired

2006-05-08T12:35:00.000-06:00

From recently un-sued blogger Lance Dutson via Aaron Wall quoting Seth Godin:

"...

All your

lawyers

are in your

marketing

department

..."

A Healthy Debunking

2006-05-07T15:35:00.000-06:00

Health News Review is "an attempt to help improve the accuracy, balance and completeness of news stories that make claims about new ideas in health care." See healthnewsreview.org for mass-media health reports rated 1 to 5 based on ten criteria. Some of the lowest rated:

(0/5 stars) Scientists reverse diabetes in monkeys - "Makes a huge leap from a finding in 12 monkeys to 'hope for millions of people with diabetes'" (KARE-TV Minneapolis)

(1/5) Matt Lauer's heart scan - "An example of disease-mongering" (NBC Today Show)

(1/5) Minding the Snore - "No quantitative evidence that the Pillar Procedure is more or less effective than other surgeries for snoring" (New York Post)

Some of the highest:

(5/5 stars) Doubt Cited on Aspirin-Blood Thinner Combo - "Good overview of the results of a trial" (Associated Press)

(5/5) 'Closed-heart' a less-invasive alternative - "Balanced and complete" (Associated Press)

(4/5) Mending broken sleep - "Engaging article that may help raise awareness" (Philadelphia Inquirer)

[Thanks to On the Media for the original story.]

One Mile Low

2006-05-02T10:44:00.000-06:00

FAR BE IT FROM ME to assume to know someone's job description, but wouldn't a spokesperson for a visitors bureau want to go out of his way to say something nice about his own city? From Westword:

Rich Grant, director of communications for the Denver Metro Convention & Visitors Bureau: "You're talking about a city that was named after the territorial governor, who'd already resigned ... a city whose main claim to fame is three markers on the Capitol steps, each claiming to be a mile high."

Hear that? It's the sound of a thousand conventions not talking about how they'll book Denver this year. Or is it the sound of someone working for the same organization a couple of decades too long?

A few more of Rich Grant's Reasons Why Not:

On people becoming meeting planners (a.k.a. convention-site choosers): "You have to be nuts ... It's high stress with thousands of details." [Post-News Jobs]
On attracting east-coasters: "The first maps done in 1820 say Denver is 'the great American desert' ... That perception's still accurate in New York." [DBJ]
On air quality: "The day the fires started (Sunday) was also the start of the J.D. Edwards Users Group meeting with 7,000 people in Denver. There was the smell of a campfire in the air." [MeetingsNet]

Am I Honest or Not?

2006-04-24T12:03:00.000-06:00

I AM MSNBC.

Am I using a pedophile-friendly bait-and-switch ad banner to trick people into reading my coverage about pedophiles?

Click YES or YES.

Urban Legend in the Making

2006-04-18T00:12:00.000-06:00

DOES BLOGGER.COM WANT to kill and eat children?

That's what major media outlets, from CourtTV to The Sun, might have you believe. And it's what might go down in history.

In stories about Kevin Underwood, the alleged killer of a 10-year-old girl near Oklahoma City, reporters consistently cite this section of Kevin's Blogger profile:

Many reports claim the cannibal reference belongs to Kevin. They say he wrote it. They even leave out his answer, suggesting that the mere act of posting the question indicates a desire to kill and eat children.

"Underwood once mused on the Internet about what a cannibal might wear to dinner"
"Neighbor Accused in Oklahoma Girl's Killing Blogged About Cannibalism in His Online Diary"
"He mentions cannibalism asking 'If you were a cannibal, what would you wear to dinner?'"

But these reports omit something. Kevin's not the only one talking up cannibalism. At least three other easy-to-find blogger.com users (here, here and here) have the same Q&A on their profiles.

Did all three come up with exactly the same question? Are they as likely to target and prey upon an innocent girl? Should police from the Department of Pre-Crime immediately race to their homes?

Or is this a randomly-generated Blogger.com user profile question, like the ones I found in this list:

Why do you think honeydew is the money melon?
You've successfully slain the dragon! How will you toast your marshmallows?
When you spilled the milk, did it look like the moon?

And of course this one, which I generated after just a few reloads on my own blogger.com profile page:

If you were a cannibal, what would you wear to dinner?

Tale of Two Things

2006-04-14T12:26:00.000-06:00

BY SETH GODIN, the guy giving this speech and running this blog.

Two things marketers do:

1. Do the work necessary to be sure that your perception of the world is similar to the world as it is.

2. Create the stories (and the experiences to back them up) that change the world as it is.

If It Happens In The Hills

2006-04-04T18:30:00.000-06:00

IT MUST BE SCARY.

Double Deutsch Bust

2006-04-04T11:44:00.000-06:00

I'M SURE SOME of the clients on the above list from Deutsch advertising agency (click on image) are wondering who this Deutsch job posting refers to:

"Should understand production, billing and difficult clients."

The posting also asks for "fashion background." Like some of their smaller shoppers, could there be some cranky adversiting people over at Babies R Us?

Façade and Substance Indeed

2006-03-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

HERE'S THE COVER of the April 2005 Star Magazine. Photographic proof of the union of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Or, as the disclaimer on page 8 notes, a "composite of two photographs." (From Digital Tampering in the Media, Politics and Law)

Write Your Own 'Priceless' Ad

2006-03-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

MASTERCARD WANTS US to fill in the blanks, and they'll air the best one. A quarter million dollars in personal debt says they won't air this one:

Wedding for the woman of your dreams: $10,000

Trying to fix up your first home together: $6,000

Losing a lawsuit to the contractor you hired to do the work: $50,000

Discharging all your personal debt - including MasterCard charges - by filing chapter 7 bankruptcy: Priceless

Gayest Movie Marquee Ever

2006-02-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

FROM FLORIDA: Sunrise Gateway Cinema, Ft. Lauderdale. Photo taken Feb. 6, 2006, by Lee Posner.

Someone Hates That Clown!

2006-02-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

New Health Plan for Seniors

2006-02-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

PULL! (By the way, would the inclusion of accidentally in these stories constitute non-trial by media? Reminder to next person who attempts murder: Wait day, get press release to AP.)

It's Still the Medium

2006-02-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

NOT THE MESSAGE. We expect more from our ~~Super Bowl ads~~ Big Game ads (sorry, NFL attorneys). If you're crazy enough to blow an above-average annual salary for every second of airtime, you ought to do something with it. Otherwise, disappointment. From OTX:

When a group believed ads were going to be aired in the 2006 ~~Super Bowl~~ Big Game, the ads scored lower:
Emotional response dropped 11%
Informational value dropped 22%
A soft drink ad lost 87% of its informational value when it was believed to be a Super Bowl ad
The same soft drink ad's emotional score was cut by about a quarter when viewers were told it was a Super Bowl ad

The Annoying Six Flags Dude Is...

2006-02-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

ACTUALLY A DUDE:

I wouldn't have been surprised if the true identity of the bouncing theme-park senior citizen were feminine, though. Well, more feminine than Danny Teeson from Queer Eye for the Straight Girl, anyway. Thanks to Paul Davidson for finally figuring it out. I can't TiVo through those commercials fast enough.

Fancy Publishing Talk

2006-02-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

WHAT'S EVERYONE so worried about? It looks like there was only one reader anyway. James Frey admits to his "reader" about a million little embellishments on Random House's web site today. Three-page PDF here.

Due (Mostly) To The Tragic Events ...

2006-01-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

ACCORDING TO IMDB.com, these are the 14 film & TV notables who died on Sept. 11, 2001. (Not all of them how you might think.)

Berry Berenson - Wife of late PSYCHO star Anthony Perkins; mother of indie rocker Elvis Perkins - Listed on flight manifest as Berinthia Perkins, killed on hijacked American Airlines flight 11
Barbara Olson - Author, panelist on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect - Killed on hijacked American Airlines flight 77
Janine M. Clark - Film production manager - Killed in an automobile accident in Sofia, Bulgaria
Rick Rescorla - Head of security for Morgan Stanley Dean Witter; subject of short documentary, VOICE OF THE PROPHET - Killed in collapse of World Trade Center
Kevin Marlo - completed an episode of elimiDATE (never aired); worked for investment bank Sandler O'Neil on 103rd floor - Killed in collapse of World Trade Center
Keith A. Glascoe - Played a hostage on TV series 100 Centre Street - Killed in World Trade Center collapse
Hjørdis Bjarke - Norwegian film actress in 1930s - Died at age 92 in Bergen, Norway
Angel Juarbe Jr. - New York City firefighter; appeared on (and won) Fox's reality contest-show Murder in Small Town X - Died in the collapse of World Trade Center a week after his final episode was broadcast
Chuck Margiotta - New York City firefighter; stuntman & actor - Killed in World Trade Center collapse
David Angell - Emmy-winning creator of Frasier - Killed on hijacked American Airlines flight 11
François Lavigne - French TV actor in 1950s and 60s - No cause of death listed
Mychal Judge - Chaplain of New York Fire Department; appeared as himself in archive footage in TV coverage about 9/11 - Died in World Trade Center collapse
Charles McCrann - Writer, director and star 1980's BLOODEATERS; senior VP at Marsh & McLennan's World Trade Center offices - Died in World Trade Center collapse
T.J. Hargrave - TV actor in 1970s; VP for financial firm Cantor-Fitzgerald - Died in World Trade Center collapse

Puritans in Our Midst

2006-01-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

QUICK - SEE IF you can tell which poster was used in the original campaign for the new film BATTLE IN HEAVEN (BATTALA EN EL CIELO) and which was used in the American campaign.

Scariest Email Disclaimer Ever

2006-01-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

FROM THE TOP of an email newsletter sent by Pete Bialick, President, GASP of Colorado.

Huge Is In the Ear of the Customer

2006-01-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

SO WHAT WOULD be considered "huge?" And who decides? I wonder how Sprint would like a customer saying to them, "No REALLY LATE payments. Promise."

For 24 Geeks: Jacktracker

2006-01-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

If Gene Shalit Were Relevant...

2006-01-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

... He'd get his reviews aired when the movies are released - not the week after

... He'd get a post-1978 hairstyle - trademarks be damned

... He'd get Terrence Mallick's THE NEW WORLD

Short Shameless Comparison

2006-01-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

THE WHITE STRIPES' "My Doorbell" is "Hollaback Girl" for indie kids.

Ray Nagin Doesn't Care About White People

2006-01-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

"This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be. .... This city will be chocolate at the end of the day." (Reuters)

Short Shameless Challenge

2006-01-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

TO ALL THE MP3 blogs out there: See if you can go one day without comparing a new musical act to: 1) Joy Division, or 2) The Arcade Fire, or 3) Belle & Sebastian.

Ready, go.

Typer's Block

2006-01-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

NO MATTER HOW many times I type them, these two words I always get wrong the first time:

~~ration~~ ratio
~~gardender~~ gardener

See?

Life in Minor Keys

2006-01-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

IN THE YEAR when I graduate from age 35, it's good to know that 36 is:

The Aristotelian "prime of life" - "neither too rash nor too timid; neither too skeptical nor overtrusting; neither too generous nor too stingy"

The atomic number of krypton

From "supplication" to "loss of loved ones," the number of dramatic situations

Out of 88, the number of black keys on piano

The number of a Mozart symphony written in C major, a key which involves no black piano keys

Joseph's age when Jesus was born

The smallest number with 9 divisors: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, 12, 18 and 36

Waist size (in inches) when a woman's risk of diabetes & heart disease dramatically increases

How many ways the US is losing the war on terror

How many years ABC had Monday Night Football

The retirement age of Jim Kelly, Joe Theismann and Joe DiMaggio

The number of ways to change 50 cents with dimes, nickels and pennies

In craps, the number of ways a pair of 6-sided die can land

Age when Marilyn Monroe, Doc Holliday and General George Custer died

From "act in the open" to "retreat," the number of Chinese militaristic strategies

Inches in a yard

How many righteous people must exist for the world not to come to an end

A good year to REBOOT

You Are What You Eat

2006-01-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

AND APPARENTLY the people at Google have been eating Dots:

How Much to Shame Them Into Fact-Checking?

2006-01-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

NEWS IS NOT ONE of the things that gets better with age. The Rocky Mountain News ran this blurb in a recent "other business" column. Italics mine - to highlight the irony.

Dec. 22, 2005, Rocky Mountain News: 1,000 yuan ($120): The amount Moon God Drinking Products Co., a skin care company in China, has offered for every typographical or literary error found in a day's editions of four Chinese publications in an attempt to embarrass journalists into better writing. Hao Mingjian, who came up with the idea for the bounty, said that "China's press has lost its polish in the past decade or two," which "reflects a chaotic cultural environment and shows people lack a sense of responsibility." (Source: Reuters)

Now, compare and contrast to this item from This Is True:

July 9, 1995, This Is True: Moon God Drinking Products Co., a skin care company in China, has offered a bounty of 1,000 yuan (US$120) for every typographical or literary error found in a day's editions of four Chinese publications in an attempt to embarrass journalists into better writing. Hao Mingjian, who came up with the idea for the bounty, said that "China's press has lost its polish in the past decade or two," which "reflects a chaotic cultural environment and shows people lack a sense of responsibility." (Reuters)

It turns out, says Regret the Error, the 10-year-old tidbit re-appeared in a Dec. 5, 2005, list of the last decade's best "strange-but-true" items from This Is True, a weekly email newsletter. Both This Is True and old-news paper Rocky Mountain News are based in Colorado. Anyone embarrassed now?

New Rules: 2006

2006-01-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Don't do business with companies that can afford to name stadiums/bowl games/planets after themselves; they clearly make too much money off their customers

Movies are getting better; it's the theaters that are getting worse

Party food, unless you charge a cover, is free to guests; it's impossible to steal it

Give the Rolling Stones a break

It's OK to take musical recommendations from bloggers who work at Dairy Queen

Remember: all movies are about redemption

Hey US & UK, can we just agree on third-person plural and move on? It's either "the group is" or "the group are." I can't keep bouncing to and fro. (Psst, UK. How about we go with "is.")

Reboot!

Lessons Learned from Tragedy

2005-12-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

If you want a candlelight vigil held in your honor, try to die in high school

Teen drivers might not be the most law-abiding citizens, but go ahead and make some new laws anyway

Cell phones aren't the only things that distract drivers

Crabman Gets a Promotion

2005-12-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

OR IS IT a demotion to go from hawking fried foods for the Crab Shack to pushing carts full of supplies for Office Max?

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Hey Kids, This One's Not Too Charred

2005-12-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

FROM THE TOP OF Disney's Unfortunate Timing Mountain:

P.S. - No idea if these trees are the same (probably not) so maybe this belongs in Don't-Tell-the-Kids-Just-in-Case-Land.

I Am the Help

2005-12-28T15:39:00.000-07:00

STOPPING AT DENVER'S Department of Ghetto Vehicles to buy license-plate tags this morning, I must've been wearing my "I own this place" face.

I still have one hand on the door when the first guy stops me. He asks if I know how to find some address on W. Mississippi Avenue. I sort of did, but I sort of didn't, and I sort of didn't want to get involved, so I said, "God, I have no idea, that's way out there." He walks off. He approaches no one else.

The second guy throws a littany of queries at me including, "Do I need proof of insurance?" (I point at the sign, "Proof of Insurance Required," which they should change to "Proof of Insurance Required If Proof of Caucasian Status Unavailable." You go there. Watch who they ask. I show up all covered in whiteness and no one even mentions my Geico card.)

This happens to me at the Gap, too. I rifle through sales racks like a stockboy instead of just the bargain shopper I am, and invariably someone thinks I know if those come in a 36-30. I make things up sometimes like, "Yeah but only in purple." Or, "Let me check our Cheyenne store."

And no one wants purple khakis from Wyoming.

TiVo Me Typical

2005-12-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

LOOKS LIKE I match my fellow TiVo cult members' habits pretty well:

90 percent of played-back DVR viewing occurs within seven days. (Because, I guess, most of those shows have new weekly episodes, and TiVo will start deleting them.)
8 percent say they watch only recorded shows. (The rest of us still seek televised serendipity.)
90 percent skip all or most commercials, but 58 percent pay attention to them as they fast-forward, and 53 percent go back to watch an interesting ad. (The industry challenge? Make a 30-second ad that still looks interesting compressed into one second.)
70 percent of ads are skipped entirely. (Apparently the ones not yet meeting the challenge.)

Mine's French - It's Easy

2005-12-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

I REALLY HAD been wondering how to pronounce the popular Vietnamese name Nguyen, with its 15.4 million Google results and all. Thanks to Joe:

First is the "ng" sound: It's the same as the ng in "Sing."

Then the "w" sound: Like "wet"

Then the "e" sound: Like in "beer"

Then the "n" sound: Like in "win"

It's a one syllable word, it sounds like: "NG-ween," but say it like a question.

Focus on the F7 Key

2005-12-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

SOMETIMES IT'S EASY to tell what they meant to say - boring instead of borning - but sometimes it's funnier to read it as is. From the headlines of Focus on the Family's Boundless webzine:

MAKING IT A MERRY CHRISTMAS
Returning home for Christmas can be awkward and unpleasant and borning. Or it can become for you a time to be treasured.

MY INNER MOMMY WAR
I wanted to take care of my baby full time. But doing so seemed financial risky.

FINDING A HUSBAND
Desire marriage but can't find the right guy? Perhaps you're looking in the wrong places. Perhaps you're hard to find yourself.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT MEN AND FOOD
Dried fish? Mint chutney? Coconut ginger rice? Banana-strawberry kefir*? Who eats this stuff?

* = OK, this one's not so much a typo as it is a huh? Kefir? A fermented camel's milk? How does this typify a Christian man shopping at Safeway?

We Estimate Your Hold Time At 420 Years

2005-12-20T13:36:00.000-07:00

FORMER QWEST EXEC Joseph "The Macchio" Nacchio faces 42 counts of insider trading. Each count carries a penalty of up to 10 years in prison. Or about the same amount of time it takes to get good help from Qwest customer service.

I'm So Over Craigslist

2005-12-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

WHAT'S NEXT? Aggregators of Craigslist postings. Like:

RentSlicer - Los Angeles rentals
FatLens - Tickets
Indeed - Jobs
Housingmaps - Google Maps of Craigslist housing

Gft Crtfc*te

2005-12-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

One of my email newsletters gets rejected by a domain called denver-christian.org and I'm thinking, oh of course, it was "ass" or "sperm" or "independent film" or something like that. Nope.

****** SPAM [KEYWORD] DETECTED! ******

** The message was filtered out because key word(s) : [Gift certificate] was in the Body: field **

Jack Bauer's Daughter Tsk-Tsks Avs Fans

2005-12-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Play-by-play hockey coverage from The Girl Next Door:

"Pavol Demitra and his amazing hat trick won the game... And what do the LA fans do? We throw every hat onto the ice in the most triumphant way!

"Unfortunately, there were a few Colorado fans out there that threw food instead, but they got kicked out in the most enjoyable way."

Those Avalanche fans are so not getting into Elisha Cuthbert's pants. In the most serious way.

An Honor Just To Be Nominated

2005-12-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

IN WHAT MAY BE its first national journalism award, The Denver Daily News has scored a coveted Crunk Award for Correction of the Year. Behold its July 27, 2005, gem:

"The Denver Daily News would like to offer a sincere apology for a typo in Wednesday's Town Talk regarding New Jersey's proposal to ban smoking in automobiles. It was not the author's intention to call New Jersey 'Jew Jersey.'"

Governing blog Regret the Error reports: "It was a clear winner, an easy choice... Combines many elements that are indicative of the correction format: it is very short, the error is very bad and also very funny, and the correction is entirely inadequate.

"But another reason we singled this baby out is that, like so many corrections, it begs for much more detail and a more complete explanation. The News offends an entire state and a major religion and all it can muster is 39 words? Only a newspaper could get away with that."

I'm sure the sports-laden (but what Denver media outlet isn't) weekday paper would come to the awards ceremony with bells on. Jew bells.

Best Translation Error 2005 goes to The Denver Post:

"Because of an editor's error, a sentence on page 8D on Tuesday in a story about Rockies prospect Hector Gomez buying a bus was changed from 'On the back he put Los Peloteros which in Spanish means The Ballplayers' to 'he put Los Plotters which in Spanish means The Pallbearers.'"

How Much Extra for a Smile?

2005-12-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

AT A NEARBY Compass Bank, here's the pricing scheme for money orders:

Account holder: Free

Non-customer: $6.00

Even the sketchy-looking ACE next to a corner where hobos yell at God only charges 79 cents for a money order. And they get to sit behind a glass wall. Probably bullet-proof.

Doesn't Explain the Hairdo

2005-12-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

HEY, YOUR COFFEE is on your roof.

"I know, Happy Holiday's from Starbucks!"

Right. But your coffee cup. It's on your roof.

"Yes, yes, I know, Happy Holidays from Starbucks."

Oh. You got me.

[From Thomas Hawk]

And They Don't Mean Firetruck

2005-12-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

BEHOLD: a comprehensive list of films with the most uses of a certain expletive beginning with "f" and ending with "uck." Only slightly surprised to see 1983's SCARFACE (1.28 Fs/minute) score well below 2001's JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (2.19).

Penguins...

2005-12-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

ARE HAVING the best! year! ever!

'Shaky' Jobs May Not Reduce Weight

2005-12-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

AN UNSIGNED LETTER published by the Rocky Mountain News (1, 2)
reveals, among other allegations, that the University of Colorado football department's summer job program is "shaky at best."

I guess the summer job programs I had in my youth - washing dishes at a Mexican restaurant; pulling weeds out of medians; delivering pizza leaflets - might not be qualified as "shaky," then. Never did I come back to school in the fall weighing 320 pounds.

(Or getting "unlimited play" at Dave & Buster's without paying.)

Clarification on Rule Zero

2005-12-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

AS EVERYONE FROM Google on down should know by now, Rule Zero is simple: Don't be a dick. But there is swelling misunderstanding about this edict. I am here to clarify.

If someone thinks I'm a dick, does that mean I'm breaking Rule Zero? No. It doesn't say, "Don't let other people think you're a dick." You have no control over that. Some people just walk around thinking everyone they meet that day is a dick. They have a need to feel persecuted. Let 'em.
If I exhibit dick-like behaviors in the course of serving a higher cause, am I breaking Rule Zero? Not always. Intent (safety, fairness, economics) trumps result (perceived dickishness). But it's a fine line. Ask yourself: Do I really need to have a mile-long empty lane ahead of me?
What if someone else is a dick? Can I be a dick back? Not if being a dick is your only purpose. Then again, if someone is being a dick by, say, holding a knife to your throat, by all means be dick back and kick them in the nads. Intent (saving your own life) trumps result (dickishness perceived by knife-wielder with wounded nads).

A Real Consumer Advocate

2005-12-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

AND THE REAL REPLIES he gets back. He doesn't send complaints, per se, but subtle, precise pokes at consumer products that may be taking themselves too seriously. More at minortweaks.com. [Via Consumerist.]

Dear Thomas' English Muffins, I recently bought a package of your new SUPER-SIZE English muffins... They really are much bigger!
Dear Sue Bee Honey: First of all, I want to say how much I enjoy your honey... I was wondering if it's okay to eat honey straight.
I want to say that I appreciate Slim Jim's unconventional attitude and distinctive beefy taste. How many Slim Jims do you make each year?
Dear Gillette, Man, that Mach 3 Turbo Razor is one powerful beard-cutting machine! What about adding a fourth blade?
Dear Paper Mate: I was wondering ... how your pens came to be the "world's most loved pens" as the package says.

Don't Let the Bling Hit You In the Ass

2005-12-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

WAS IT THE $1.6 million salary? Maybe not. Though that certainly prodded at least one local journalist to salivate over the University of Colorado football coach's "bling."

How about the recruiting and sex scandals? Not that anyone can prove, despite four years of "weaselly denials and excuses from [head football coach Gary] Barnett."

Oh - but lose 70-3 to a bunch of Texans? No need to call Trump on this one. You're fired!

Good to see my alma mater might be willing to overlook wasting state money and possible consorting with hookers to focus on the real six flags of humiliation.

For what it's worth, I didn't go to the Boulder campus.

The Face of a Virgin

2005-12-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

OR AT LEAST the face of Virgin Mobile's Australian web pages. Hard to believe any real virgin would be capable of making that face. [Via Adrants]

Rally for Anonymity

2005-12-06T00:58:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY DEC. 9, 8:30am, Alfred A. Arraj U.S. Courthouse, 901 19th St., Denver. It's a rally to support the grandma who refused to show her ID when her bus passed through Denver Federal Center. I'd be there but, um, that's when I'm on the bus to work. Tell you what. I won't show anyone my ID.

We Dun Good ... Mostly

2005-12-06T00:29:00.000-07:00

DENVER RANKS:

#6 among most literate US cities
#4 for library resources
#7 for Internet resources
#7 in newspaper cirulation
#11 in number of bookstores

But...

#17 for other local periodicals
#31 for education level

I guess this means people in Denver love to use the Internet and read newspapers (but not local magazines) at local libraries and bookstores, but they have no idea what they're reading.

Actually, that sounds about right.

Regular Mail: Now Easier Than Email!

2005-12-05T15:33:00.000-07:00

IT TAKES BIG ONES to post the email addresses of half of Hollywood. Even bigger ones to ward off studio reps who make these kind of arguments.

"Since your site was created, we have seen a marked increase in the amount of spam e-mails regarding unsolicited screenplays being sent to our executives.

"From our perspective, it is a huge nuisance, and takes away from the productivity of our people.

"Submissions by mail are one thing, and much easier to handle, but spam e-mails are a constant, daily irritation, and waste our time."

Submissions by mail are easier? Right. Easier to ignore. Easier to shred. Easier for inflicting paper cuts. Easier to pile in landfills.

Someone tell the US Postal Service. I think this is the rallying cry they've been waiting for. More at everyonewhosanyone.com.

Ever See Tom Cruise Smoking?

2005-12-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

NOPE. ME NEITHER. I've never seen a photograph of Tom Cruise smoking. Not with Jerry Bruckheimer. Nor with Don Simpson. Not even to celebrate the success of TOP GUN.

Lessons From OJ

2005-12-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

THIS IS SO UNLIKE those press conferences where parents admit they killed their kids. Must be why this denial is such big news 'round here. From 9NEWS:

"In an interview broadcast Thursday night, the father of Aarone Thompson said neither he nor his girlfriend killed her and he wishes police would expand the investigation into her disappearance beyond the family and their home."

More of the same from 7NEWS, CBS4.

Short Shameless Endorsement

2005-12-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

CHECK HBO "on-demand" - probably on your local Comcast/TimeWarner/Whatever "on-demand" system - for this new Spanish-language treat. "Epitafios" is like "Nip/Tuck" meets "CSI:Argentina." Sort of ridiculous (what's with the dramatic index-finger waving in the face, is it like flipping the Argentine bird?) but sort of addicting (even though the killer's identity is revealed in episode three).

When Critics Burst Into Flame

2005-12-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

IT'S EXCUSABLE to nitpick a respectable (if regional) 28-year-old film festival. And it may be part of the job to pinch out stars in movie reviews like they were bottle-rockets at a kerosene spill.

But disparaging the one friend who 1) is responsible for many of the "serious cinema-culture/educational opportunities for the rest of the year," and 2) may be the only person willing to drop the hint that you've been shut out of a press screening?

That's a whole new color of flame-out. Stop, drop and roll, man.

Full Disclosure Red-Alert (And an Arson Metaphor Taken Too Far): Though it seems someone like me, a movie marketer, ought not burn bridges with someone like him, a movie journalist (Amazon sales rank: 296,825), I have a whole book of matches reserved for reviews published three months after a film opens. Close cover before striking, indeed.

Watch Where You Point Those Ears

2005-11-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

THE LATEST ENTRY on my personal list of favorite disclaimers. From the Star-Trek-and-other-random-sci-fi convention flier on starland.com:

Starfest Weapons Checkpoint

The Weapons Checkpoint table in the Atrium is manned by members of the 501st whose job is to peace-bond your weapon. All your costume weapons real or otherwise must be checked and tagged by them. Your tag will indicate to security that your weapon has been inspected. Real guns are not allowed. Having your weapon inspected and tagged is not optional - it is a requirement if you wish to have it as part of your costume. We want everyone to have a safe and enjoyable time.

Like When I Said M.I.A. Would Be the Next Big Thing

2005-11-30T11:12:00.000-07:00

MY NOV. 22 BLOG post about bus-ridin' shakedown-refusin' Deborah Davis must've added enough Internet noise to this story, because after Thanksgiving break even sleepy locals are covering it:

Refusal to present ID sparks test of rights [RMN Nov. 29]
Woman Arrested For Not Showing ID [CBS4 Nov. 29]
Let her ride without 'papers' [RMN Editorial Nov. 30]
Court trip next stop for bus rider [DP]

And it's nice of the Rocky Mountain News to mention, "Some supporters have called Davis 'the Rosa Parks of the Patriot Act generation.'" Technically, though, I called her a "Rosa Parks of the Terror Era." Better, more concise, don't you think?

Short Bus Observation

2005-11-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

NOTHING BREAKS UP the back-row blockade of faux thuggery like two dozen third-graders boarding the bus for downtown. Want to slouch in one seat and hog another with your skanky high-tops? Too bad. These kids are too young to give a damn. They'll stare at your do-rag and sit on your drug-bag, all the way to their state Capitol tour.

(Notice it's Short Bus Observation, not Short-Bus Observation. Hyphens! Little. Different.)

Officially Out of New Car Names

2005-11-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

TODAY I AM
thankful for
automotive
product
marketers
who don't
do research.

A Rosa Parks for the Terror Era

2005-11-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

SHE'S WHITE, she's 50, and she rides RTD's route 100 bus past the Denver Federal Center. Problem for her: She didn't want to show her ID. What's the big deal? Find out December 9 in US v. Deborah Davis. More from papersplease.org:

Some blogs (1|2|3) have taken note, but they're hard to hear over the silence from local media (1|2|3).

Unanswerable Film Festival Query

2005-11-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

EXCUSE ME SIR,
"does this movie
have any EVIL in it?"

We Feel Much Smarter Now, Thanks

2005-11-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

WILL SOMEONE please, please make sure he doesn't run across any puppies? You know, just in case he sees one of these:

Ban This Breed... Of Pun!

2005-11-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

Hey! Be Your Own Film Festival!

2005-11-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

INTRODUCING THE FIRST-EVER Occasionally Sporadic FilmFreakCentral.net International Film Festival, soon to attract "prestige festival films" and "top-line talent" on its way to "monolithic" status and "much national interest!" This first go-round will certainly not include such FilmFreakCentral.com staffer non-darlings as...

DUCK ("Unconscionable!")
BITTERSWEET PLACE ("Deeply Suspect!")
THE SET-UP ("On VHS!")

... But instead will go with nearly 30 other vacuum-chosen omissions selected just moments after midnight by some of the gooniest of Internet-based critics, programmed with candor (and yeah, anger!) to earn immediate respect. Titles include...

THE PRESIDENT'S LAST BANG (In a word: "Fabbo!")
BUBBLES (In two words: "Friggin' Soderbergh!")
TONY TAKITINI (In Google's words: "Did you mean TONY TAKITANI?")

...All in all about 27 or so movies, easily filling the festival's first day, day and a half, and conveniently listed here (click and scroll down... and down... and down... and down... and...)

Now all the festival needs to do (if it doesn't destroy itself in parenthetical comments [or bracketed ones] before it even gets off the ground) is "carve their own niche." Like Sundance, Telluride and Hawaii. (Oops, never mind, Hawaii's a "regional" festival no one is "caravanning down" from "Aspen" to attend). Still on the FilmFreakCentral.org to-do list:

Pester local publicists for another 60 (or 100) (or 190) films
Get friggin' Soderbergh
Pester local publicists for distributor and filmmaker contacts
Write film festival motto (Is "We're near an airport" taken?)
Bitchslap festival patrons till they properly call it FilmFreakCentral.net
Find a fucking movie theater
Design festival logo; leverage existing crescent-moon Lucky Charms-looking brand thing
Get friggin' Cronenbeg
Pester local publicists for sport
Desperately refuse to fit in
~~Roll a fattie~~ Refill meds
Bribe some real critics for a decent write-up
If all else fails, re-focus festival around Salute to Korean Bootleg Videos

Brilliant, self-important ad campaign headline idea: "Get a free thesaurus with every festival program! You'll need it!"

Marlon Brando Smile

2005-11-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

BEFORE
AFTER
SMILE AND THE world smiles with you. Frown and they make you smile anyway. Even if it's the last feature film you ever make. From this weekend's Sunday Morning Shootout:

Peter Bart: At least with the [visual] effects you can go back and do it again. If an actor is not working, you're kinda stuck.

Peter Guber: I don't know about that. I remember at the end of THE SCORE we wanted Marlon Brando to smile and he said, "I'm not gonna smile. I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it, no matter what, I'm not smiling." ... So you know what happened? We got a visual effects person to come in... He was laying in the bed... We went [smile]... Pardon the expression but fuck off, we got tens of millions of dollars in it, that was what the script says he was supposed to do. You don't wanna do it? Don't do it, but we're gonna have you do it.

Waiter, There's a Fly in My Movie

2005-11-14T16:27:00.000-07:00

I SEE PLENTY of film industry screeners - tapes and DVDs that critics watch (for free) so they can decide if you should watch the movie (not for free). Screeners usually have disclaimers. "Property of" so-and-so studio. Don't give this to your mom or Harvey might come for your kneecaps. Et cetera.

Disclaimers usually flash for a minute, tops. But Canadian-sounding film critic Bill Chambers complains they're getting invasive - like a lobotomy? - with Fox DVD disclaimers appearing through the whole movie, sometimes in the screen's centre. (That's center to those south of the border.) Here's what fries Bill's bacon:

"I can say without hesitation that the invasive copyright warning put me in a bad mood from the get-go and thus predisposed me to disliking it. Maybe we're spoiled, but that's sort of irrelevant - you wouldn't tell a restaurant critic to eat his soup even though there's a fly in it just because it's on the house."

Maybe you're spoiled? Far be it from me to defend food critics, and even farther be it from me to condemn all film critics, but...

Food critics: Pay for stuff.
Film critics: Don't.

Food critics: Are anonymous.
Film critics: Are conspicuous.

Food critics: Eat with the general public.
Film critics: See movies in private.

Food critics: Visit restaurants weeks after they open.
Film critics: See movies weeks before they open.

Food critics: Shouldn't be chefs.
Film critics: Shouldn't be directors.

Food critics: Can make or break a restaurant.
Film critics: Shouldn't be directors.

Food critics: Are often first to review a restaurant.
Film critics: Are often hundredth to review a movie.

Food critics: Tend to avoid heavily-advertised franchises.
Film critics: Flock to them.

Food critics: Have people waiting in line to do their job.
Film critics: Ditto.

Food critics: Think people should get out of line.
Film critics: Ditto.

Unavailable T Shirt Du Jour

2005-11-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

[Via Copyranter]

Today's Subtle Distinction

2005-11-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

Laughing Because You Think Something Is Funny

vs.

Laughing Because You Want Other People To Think You Think Something Is Funny

[Horse from Arcter Journal]

Short Shameless Endorsement

2005-11-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

A BOX OF 16 exotic truffles, $37 from Vosges Haut-Chocolat. Shelf life two weeks.

From LoDo to LoDon't

2005-11-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

BETWEEN THE ART GALLERIES and the homeless shelter, an old brick box becomes a huge bar & grill, named after its funky, once-abandoned warehouse historic district in lower downtown Denver.

LoDo's is next to a smoke-choked jazz club. Its infamous rooftop hosts drunk revellers cat-calling high-heeled pedestrians. When the adjacent ballpark empties into these brick gulches, it becomes a sticky-floored, non-concept, locally-flavored, fried-crap-in-a-basket-with-a-pitcher-of-beer haven. (Despite the late-90s frat-boy takeover; see Vince Vaughn's visit.)

Then comes a second location. It's 19 miles south, a new building on a treeless suburban grassland. Same concept, same pitchers, same rooftop. But no Mardi Gras sidewalks, no galleries, no shelters, no ballpark. It overlooks a six-lane commuter highway, the nearest landmark is a mall - nay, a shopping resort - at the junction of two concrete ribbons.

Here's the kicker: THEY KEEP THE DAMN NAME. It's in Highlands Ranch, Colorado, and it's called LoDo's. Like opening a SoHo's in Albany. Or a Hula Hut in Alaska. Might as well rename the Pacific Ocean as Sea of Tranquility II.

So who the hell goes there? Where do they think they are? How are they so easily fooled?

Easier Than a Swap Meet

2005-11-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

BEST WAYS to shop for handmade stuff, courtesy Etsy.com. (Via Josh Spear, via Core77.)

Cobbling Along

2005-11-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

WHEN IT COMES to certain promoters' self-promotion, the old saying goes, "the cobbler's kids have no shoes." In other words, the last thing a PR person does is update their own PR. Or, apparently, their own Web site. From Gawker:

From: "Tamie Peters"
Date: November 10, 2005

I am writing to inform you that Christiaan McPherson will no longer be working with my firm. Please understand that any of his work is in no way associated with Tamie Peters Public Relations, me, Merissa, Jason or Jessica personally.

"No way associated" ...? Tamie Peters, meet Tamie Peters & Christiaan McPherson PR. Nov. 11, 2005, on tamiepeterspr.com:

Starving For Two

2005-11-11T00:32:00.000-07:00

SORRY BABE, camera guy finished the cheese plate. You and the fetus can take some cardboard out to the corner. After this take, babe, after this take. We're about to wrap. From the set of Denver's 94 percent-shot BREAKUP BUNNY:

"We are in search of a person with experience with a DVX 100 camera and a great attitude... (303) 517-4712 ... Sorry no pay. Meal, copy and credit only." [Yahoo]

"We are looking for a pregnant actor for a shoot this Sunday ... (303) 517-4712 ... Credit, copy, sorry no pay." [Craigslist]

T-Shirt Du Jour

2005-11-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

ESPECIALLY ON A 43-degree day sandwiched between two 70-plus-degree days. I mean, WTF. (Buy shirt here. In green or tan.)

Best. Title. Ever.

2005-11-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

THE BUMMER is the "also known as" on its IMDb entry: FLIGHT 121. Please. A movie titled FLIGHT 121 is so unworthy of Samuel L. Jackson.

Citizen Publicists

2005-11-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

THE STORIES ON YourHub.com may be coming from Denver citizens. But citizen journalists? John Temple, editor, president and publisher of Rocky Mountain News, which owns and operates the submit-your-own-news site, seems to think so:

"I think we at the Rocky Mountain News, which produces YourHub.com, have much to share with the industry based on our experience launching the most extensive citizen journalism experiment in a US metropolitan area."

Really. Will you also share how YourHub is becoming a press-release dumping ground? Take a sample of recent pet stories:

Get that Lovin' Feline at Kitty Karnival! [link]
Find a New Friend at the Wags & Purrs Adopt-thon [link]
Enter your pet's photos in calendar contest [link]
"Paws" to Give to the Animals this Holiday Season [link]

These stories all hail from Denver Dumb Friends League, with corporate phone numbers and proper links to ddfl.org. Unlike many citizen journalists, DDFL has 145 employees and spent more than $1.1 million last year [PDF] on "public outreach." It takes time and resources to submit stories to YourHub; might as well make a paycheck doing it. (And give Rocky reporters another reason to ignore press releases.)

Now, let's apply what we've learned to other entries in Temple's grand experiment. Any idea who's really behind these nutritious morsels of citizen journalism?

Cherry Creek Shopping Center's holiday decor [link]
Fun Facts About Cherry Creek's Narnia Experience [link]
Cherry Creek Shopping Card [link]

Best Online Pussy

2005-11-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

catsinsinks.com
infinitecat.com
stuffonmycat.com
kittenwar.com

Stop Giving These People Ideas

2005-11-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

JEEP DRIVERS: You're not invincible. Despite how you handle snowy roads in Colorado. (Your brakes don't work any better on ice, yo.) Despite Jeep's own advertising campaign. (You cannot - I repeat, in case the fine print at the bottom of this TV ad is too fine - drive it underwater.)

Here's the ad (from jossip.com):

Here's the Jeep (from KIRO-TV):

Here's the fine print from the TV ad - made less fine just for those Jeep owners (from Wirthy.com):

Fictionalization.
Vehicle not suitable for underwater use.

How About Fearmonger

2005-11-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

DOG-OWNER ALERT: Denver Animal Control Director Doug Kelley is finding other ways to say pit bull.

According to CBS4, the top dog-cop in the mile-high city that bans the breed and the deed is having pit bulls euphemized. Kelley is not, as he has at least 341 times in the past, having dogs on "pit bull row" euthanized.

Speaking of deadly mistakes, I somehow doubt the wording reported by CBS4 really is Kelley's. I'm sure he's fully capable of coming up with words like Old English Bulldog or American Staffordshire Terrier or World War I Poster Child.

Maybe what we need is a euphemism for this: "Denver TV writer who doesn't know the difference between killing animals and expressing an unpleasant notion by a less offensive substitute."

Someone Give Him Free Sex Already

2005-11-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

POOR BRIAN MAASS, reduced to trying to pay for sex at massage parlors (or is that maass-age parlors) in a Colorado suburb. But hey - 90 bucks! Factory outlets aren't the only cheap thing in Castle Rock. Maybe Maass can submit the expense to CBS4. From his latest Sex! In! The! Suburbs! report:

"Do you understand when I say you offered sex for money?" Maass asked.

"No, only do massages here," Anna said.

"You only do massages here?" Maass asked.

"Mmm hmmm," she said.

"Not sex for money?" Maass asked...

But during an earlier visit, Anna solicited Maass saying, "No. OK, only today I give you everything."

"You give me all sex for $90?" Maass asked.

"Next time it's minimum 100, OK," the woman answered... "Relax and don't worry -- I make you happy."

More on his and Denver Police's thwarted efforts here.

T-Shirt Du Jour

2005-11-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

AND I'M GUESSING by snowman they really mean snow, man:

Popular Snowman T-Shirt Raises Concerns [ABC]
Young Jeezy's Snowman Banned From Schools [VV]
Activists alarmed by hidden message of T-shirt [Newsday]

Or About $125,000 Per Inch

2005-11-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

LADIES AROUND the world, step right up. (No darkies.) Vincent Gallo, former filmmaker and Howard Stern guest, is selling his semen via "one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization" for $1 million. He makes no bones about it. The facts, ma'am, from Gallo's merchandise site:

Mr. Gallo is 5'11"
Has blue eyes
No known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples)
No history of congenital diseases
If you have seen THE BROWN BUNNY you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy (8 inches if he's like his father)
Presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair ... at the age of 43
Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions
$50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes
Additional $500,00 for "natural insemination"

Maybe They Mean A Priori

2005-11-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

IN THE LONG LINE of noble mission names, I don't see how A Priority fits with greats like Atlantis, Challenger and Columbia.

Terrell the Whole Truth

2005-11-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

WOULD THIS EVER happen if Campbell's Soup turned little boys into Stanley Cup champions instead? According to the LA Superior Court filing [PDF here]:

"Too hip for her own good or too full of herself ... At a post-Emmy Award after-party hosted by TV Guide at the Tropicana ... Amanda Scheer-Demme instructed her uniformed gorillas to physically attack Super Bowl XXXII MVP Terrell Davis...

For shame. Especially after Terrell's Emmy-worthy performance as "Himself" in VH-1's "I Love the 90s."

[Terrell and Terrell mask photo from edwardfrench.com.]

Consession For Men

2005-11-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

AND WHO BETTER to sell it? (Actually, I think they mean concession, as the article says, but they also managed to publish shot his wife in the face and protein shakes without thinking what those might look like.) ABC link here. Probably corrected by now.

Denver Vote: Explained

2005-11-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

WHO BETTER THAN some slurry guys on Denver's 15L bus to interpret yesterday's election results. Here they are examining the yes vote on Initiative 100 - and raising an insightful question about what it means for everyday life in Denver:

DUDE #1: So in other words if they catch you with one pound of marijuana on you, they can still put you in jail.

DUDE #2: Oh.

DUDE #1: But now if they catch you with one ounce of marijuana on you, they won’t put you in jail.

DUDE #2: Oh. Cool.

DUDE #1: Yeah.

DUDE #2: But do they let you keep the ounce?

Photo Du Jour

2005-11-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

A buck faces off with
"Willie," a Jack Russell
terrier in Orinda, CA
[ABC News]

Not A HARRY POTTER Review

2005-11-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

THIS MORNING my wife and I attended an industry preview of HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE. It comes out in 17 days. Needless to say, as fans of previous POTTER outings, we were looking forward to seeing the new film in advance.

And being in film marketing, I understand the need for security at these preview screenings. The last thing we marketers want is some fuzzy, low-resolution stills littering the Internet, making people think the movie is fuzzy and low resolution.

So I've become accustomed to certain questions. Do you have a cell phone with you? Does your cell phone have a camera in it? Does the zipper in your pants have a direct connection to the Internet?

But then this, in a darkened theatre, from a guy in a dark cap standing in the row behind us:

GUY IN CAP: Have I checked you two for cell-phones?
ME (dreadfully honest): No, I don't have one.
WIFE (same): Mine's off and in my purse.
GUY IN CAP: OK, then I need to take your purse.

Not to get all Colorado Comments-y but, dear readers, would anyone in their right mind EVER surrender a purse to someone in a dark theatre? Without being asked at gunpoint, I mean. Here's the next line:

ME: Who the hell are you?

It turns out he was a courier, or a substitute courier or something like that. And he was "just doing his job" of sweeping the theatre for offending technology. (Notice he didn't ask if I had a camcorder, or a lined spiral notebook, or a photographic memory.) He promised to get someone I knew, or at least someone I recognized as an authority. Maybe someone who looked like he or she was capable of safely monitoring a theatre full of purses for 157 minutes. He disappears a while. Then, an announcement:

GUY IN CAP: So, um, apparently everyone I can let you keep your purses throughout the movie. You can get your purses back now, if you want, just by coming with me, or you can wait till the movie gets out.
AUDIENCE: (Bewildered silence)
GUY IN CAP: So yes or no?
AUDIENCE: Fuck yeah, you mental zero.

OK, that last line was made up. But only slightly. Moral of the story? The other people had already given away their purses. What exactly are the studios afraid of?

There's a Word For Those

2005-10-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

HAVE YOU HEARD about those blogs that are approved by editors or PR people before they're published? Yeah. Those are not blogs. Those are called columns. More ways to tell when you're reading a corporate "blog" from Dive Into Mark:

No using the word motherfucker
No control over look, feel, markup, software, features, URLs, feeds, comment registration system or accessibility
No access to hit counts or referrer logs
No control over the popup window that asks readers to fill out a survey when they leave
Scrutiny from two managers and a team of rabid lawyers
No cat pictures

Tao of Steve (Forbes)

2005-10-31T10:45:00.000-07:00

LEST FORBES start sounding too much like a cranky 19th-century railroad baron (see its thoroughly backwards story, Attack of the Blogs, by rampant editorializer Daniel Lyons), its Web site offers its own "Best of the Blogs" list, even posting a category of blog tools so you too can get started on what the magazine calls "spewing lies, libel and invective." More:

Weapons of Corporate Mass Destruction [Gawker]
Forbes's Trashy Blog Attack [Bayosphere]
Daniel Lyons BASHES Blogs [Exclusive Concepts]
Forbes Hatchet Job [Blog Herald]
Forbes Magazine Vs The Blogosphere [Ponderance]

It's interesting to note that in his anti-blog Forbes story, Daniel Lyons offers a few paragraphs defending Gregory Halpern, "a cocky former judo champion who posts photos of himself online with the famous (including Steve Forbes, editor-in-chief of this magazine)," against one o' them evil bloggers. Not too far from a reporter's lips to his editor's ass, is it.

Once And For All

2005-10-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

PARIS HILTON may be suffering from skinny thighs, an unfortunate stage pose and an amateur camera angle, but she is not suffering ass goiter. Otherwise, what about that poor girl in the second photo:

Hilton's Alleged "Ass Goiter"
[From Defamer]

Tragic Alleged "Double Ass Goiter"
[From Bizarre Music]

Ain't Over Till The Moose Sighs

2005-10-29T09:20:00.000-06:00

WHO KNEW THAT the massive outdoor shell connecting Denver Performing Arts Complex and its parking garage could be used for anything besides keeping ladies dry between the opera and the minivan? Dan Ake, back in June 1980, discovered it could be used to create a 15-minute aural experiment. From comfortstand.com:

Sebastian-Moore Gallery in Denver sponsored this project. We told them we wanted to create a musical landscape using steel wire in an urban environment. They came up with this space for us that had exceptional acoustical qualities. A Galleria like domed area several thousand square feet in size with steel structures on both sides. We strung wire across this area and not only performed publicly but invited the public to perform as well. We started at dawn and finished at dusk. The resulting sounds are samples of a collaborative effort over a fourteen hour period.

Check out Dan's entire experimental album "Melophobia" here

Right-click for a free 21.3MB download of "Moose Sighs" here (and yes, it sounds like 15 minutes of moose sighs)

'It' Girls for Hitler

2005-10-28T07:13:00.000-06:00

IMAGINE THE OLSENS as white supremacists; instead of Seventeen, put 'em on the cover of Resistance. A blog, bereft of comment section (odd!), here. ABC News story about the tweens here.

The lasses, 13-year-old twins Lamb and Lynx Gaede, are called Prussian Blues - song samples here if you dare - though they are not the same Prussian Blues as the UK blues-rockers sold on iTunes. (Despite what some iTunes comments would have you believe.)

Nor apparently are they the same Prussian Blue that is the FDA-approved treatment for radioactive contamination. Though I'm sure there are a few jokes to be made there as well.

Façade and Substance

ID or Not ID

Odd Press Release

Lawyers In Your PR Department

Film Imitates TV

And Some of Them Should Be Fired

A Healthy Debunking

One Mile Low

Am I Honest or Not?

Urban Legend in the Making

Tale of Two Things

If It Happens In The Hills

Double Deutsch Bust

Façade and Substance Indeed

Write Your Own 'Priceless' Ad

Gayest Movie Marquee Ever

Someone Hates That Clown!

New Health Plan for Seniors

It's Still the Medium

The Annoying Six Flags Dude Is...

Fancy Publishing Talk

Due (Mostly) To The Tragic Events ...

Puritans in Our Midst

Scariest Email Disclaimer Ever

Huge Is In the Ear of the Customer

For 24 Geeks: Jacktracker

If Gene Shalit Were Relevant...

Short Shameless Comparison

Ray Nagin Doesn't Care About White People

Short Shameless Challenge

Typer's Block

Life in Minor Keys

You Are What You Eat

How Much to Shame Them Into Fact-Checking?

New Rules: 2006

Lessons Learned from Tragedy

Crabman Gets a Promotion

Hey Kids, This One's Not Too Charred

I Am the Help

TiVo Me Typical

Mine's French - It's Easy

Focus on the F7 Key

We Estimate Your Hold Time At 420 Years

I'm So Over Craigslist

G*ft C*rt*f*c*te

Jack Bauer's Daughter Tsk-Tsks Avs Fans

An Honor Just To Be Nominated

How Much Extra for a Smile?

Doesn't Explain the Hairdo

And They Don't Mean Firetruck

Penguins...

'Shaky' Jobs May Not Reduce Weight

Clarification on Rule Zero

A Real Consumer Advocate

Don't Let the Bling Hit You In the Ass

The Face of a Virgin

Rally for Anonymity

We Dun Good ... Mostly

Regular Mail: Now Easier Than Email!

Ever See Tom Cruise Smoking?

Lessons From OJ

Short Shameless Endorsement

When Critics Burst Into Flame

Watch Where You Point Those Ears

Like When I Said M.I.A. Would Be the Next Big Thing

Short Bus Observation

Officially Out of New Car Names

A Rosa Parks for the Terror Era

Unanswerable Film Festival Query

We Feel Much Smarter Now, Thanks

Ban This Breed... Of Pun!

Hey! Be Your Own Film Festival!

Marlon Brando Smile

Waiter, There's a Fly in My Movie

Unavailable T Shirt Du Jour

Today's Subtle Distinction

Short Shameless Endorsement

From LoDo to LoDon't

Easier Than a Swap Meet

Cobbling Along

Gft Crtfc*te